The smallest person in the world.
I often find myself being “the bigger person”.
“The bigger person”,
as defined by Urban Dictionary
is more mature,
more capable of making rational decisions
than the other person.
The person that does the right thing,
even if the right thing
is not advantageous to themselves.
It also says is when you want
to beat the hell out of someone
because you know they are wrong
but you are the bigger person and smile
and just imagine punching them in the head instead.
To be honest, sometimes I just want to be
the smallest person in the world.
And when I say the smallest person
what I really mean is
I don’t want to have to stand
in another family reunion
where they ask everybody
about their husbands,
and their wives,
and their boyfriends,
and they skip me,
because I might have a girlfriend
and oh boy,
that could be SO awkward.
What I mean
by the smallest person in the world is
I don’t want to endure
the casual homophobic comments
made by my Uber driver
who says he’s disgusted by women
who act like men,
and men
who dress like women
afraid of making a scene in the back of his car
(it’s better to be the bigger person
and swallow that pride,
than to have my name printed
on a Missing Person sign).
What I mean by the smallest person is
I don’t want to hear
another fancy, fake old lady,
disguised as a Medicine woman
from an indigenous culture
saying that society has “failed women”
and that’s why “their sons,
and even the women themselves,
are turning gay”
but she adds, “who am I to judge?”
and all the ladies in the Circle
look at her enraptured
(except for me because I could
smell her bullshit from a mile away)
and she acts so grandly
because she says
she “accepts” gays
because is not their fault
the patriarchy turned them that way,
as if there was something to judge
or to cure, or to smudge,
(as if it was a curse, or a sin, or worse)
but I know I won’t say a word
“she doesn’t know any better
because she’s old”.
When I say
“the smallest person in the world”
what I really mean is
I don’t want to enter
another relative’s home
with my head bowed
to make myself invisible
wondering if they know,
if they’ll accept this which is
irrevocable and irreversible,
as if I’m asking for a charity:
“Will you please, please love me,
in spite of who I like to kiss, or suck, or lick
or hold tightly in my arms?”
and if they do,
I’ll act as if the Queen just knighted me:
"I, the Queen, do hereby dub thee a knight,
even though you like to do things
which I consider to be filthy, dirty and disgusting
when you are in your bed at night”.
What I mean by the smallest person in the world is
I don’t want to pretend it doesn’t hurt
when my ex-classmates post
that they won’t take their children
to see a harmless movie
where there are people like me
because they don’t want
to give their kids a bad example.
What I mean by the smallest person in the world is
I don’t want to pretend it doesn’t kill me
when I hear people say
they hope their kids don’t turn out my way
as if it’s a date worse than death.
When I say “the smallest person in the world”
what I really mean to say is
I don’t want to pretend
like I don’t notice
how the waiters mistreated my girlfriend and me
and I’ll pretend is just bad service
but we still tip them 10%
because we are better than them.
What I mean by the smallest person in the world is:
I just want to exist.
I just want to live without apologizing
for who I am
and who I like to fuck.
(It would be easier
to be the smallest person
and not give a flying fuck).